Living a Lie Is Killing The Real You… (Let’s fix it)

This year, I finally made the decision that it was time to leave my job. I was burned out and my mental health was falling apart. Even worse, I felt like it might be time to give up on my entire career in media. It was scary. Not just the idea of leaving my job and career but the whole notion of walking into a new phase of life where I’ll likely have to accept that I had failed. Where the hell did I go wrong?

Did I mess up?

Many of us go through phases in life when we have to start over. This brings up many questions about who we’ve been and where we might end up. Questions like, “Did I make a big mistake? Is this the end? What about the promises I made to myself?”

The challenge is being able to feel fear, ask the naturally occurring questions, and avoid allowing the fear to tell us we’re destroying our lives. It’s okay to be scared when things change. That fear is just a sign that you've been working hard to get where you are. In order to know where we’re headed, it’s very important to understand the person we have become. Is that person happy who they have to be? Is this person an honest representation of the desires within? This is where fear becomes incredibly persuasive as sometimes, we have to leave some things behind and look deep inside to be true to ourselves.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What have I always secretly wanted to be?

• What did I feel I had to stop doing?

• What tasks am I doing that steal my joy?

Finding The Real You

Changing isn't about forgetting the past. It's about finding out who you really are and being that person, even when it's hard. 

When I moved my family to California from our hometown, I committed to the role. I was going to be the kind of guy who was ok working in a company and moving up the ladder. “Let’s put away childish things”, I thought. It seemed like the responsible thing to do. The trauma of my early adulthood caused me to create a story about myself as an irresponsible villain, hell-bent on causing financial ruin in the name of “dreams”. The story I told myself was that I couldn’t be “myself” because “look where that got you”. 

Instead, I worked diligently to make the dreams of my boss a reality. This individual was more than happy to assist in this transfer. It was a noble sacrifice on my end because I could feed my family and the rent was always on time. Why wouldn’t that work out?

“…dreams die slowly and they make a lot of noise on their way out.”

Well… As one can imagine, dreams die slowly and they make a lot of noise on their way out. In the process of trying to be someone I didn’t truly want to become, the tone of my inner universe was chaotic. Eventually, I couldn’t contain the anger of the betrayal I’d committed against myself and I had to make a decision.

In the aftermath of this, I had to do a lot of work to recover the self that I tried to get rid of. That process required time, therapy, grace, and relationships. It was not easy but the results are noticeable.

Here are some tools I’ve used along my journey:

Journal daily

Daily journaling doesn’t have to be hard or rigid. Whenever you feel a shift of emotions, pull out your phone and describe what’s happening in your notes app.

Reach out

I’ve come to understand that people in your life (the ones you want to rely on) appreciate knowing how you feel and what you need.

Celebrate ALL your wins

Nothing will give you clarity like analyzing the things you’ve accomplished, endured, or have grown passionate about. Your trophy case could hold trophies, scars, hugs, and whatever else you’re proud of.

Visit places you love

Environment does so much for the soul. It’s one aspect of “embodiment” that lets you feel alive and present with thoughts, feelings, and memories.

Find the food of your youth

Taking in the smells and absorbing the taste of the food that nourished you as you became the first version of yourself will take you back to the tiny moments of pleasure and communion that can feel so far away at times.

Share a new side of yourself

Maybe you need to volunteer, take an old friend to a new place, or take on a new hobby. Many times we discover ourselves through exposure.

What do my friends and family see in me?

Finding out how people view you is scary but many times, it won’t match the vision you have of yourself. If you’re up for it, compare notes on who you are.

Imagine the “wildest” then the “happiest” thing that could happen

Play a game with yourself (or someone you trust) to hear yourself describe the fears and hopes you may have inside and never say. You might surprise yourself.

“What Would Jay-Z Do?”

He’d likely do whatever he wants and so should you. Don’t ask if you “should”. Ask how you “will”.

Moving Forward

“Don’t allow conditioning, expectations, and comparison to keep you stuck unhappy and unfulfilled in a life that you don’t enjoy.”

The main thing is to listen to yourself. Even when you’re scared, remember to be true to who you are. It's okay to feel scared, but use that feeling to help you grow and change. Don’t allow conditioning, expectations, and comparison to keep you stuck unhappy and unfulfilled in a life that you don’t enjoy. It will be scary and full of reasons to keep living in a way that contradicts who you really are inside. You won’t wholly eliminate fear but you can become a master at leveraging that fear into conversations, a mirror, and  motivation. By existing, growing, and participating you’re allowing others the freedom to find themselves and create more instances of peace and prosperity. Our universe needs the truest version of YOU.